Def Poetry Jam: Gemineye - "Penny for Your Thoughts"

My secret..........

I always used writing as a way to express myself when I had no one to talk to. I did a lot of writing as a teen because those were some very critical times in my life and I'm shocked that I made it.No one truly knows me, they just know bits and pieces that I have shared over the years and I guess they are ok with the results.

I am the person everyone calls when they are in need of something or their going through. I've been called the "Calm in the midst of the storm". It's amazing that I am viewed as such based on the struggles I face day to day.

When you see me I am always laughing and joking,truth is that's all I know to do.I smile so much till it literally hurts because If I don't,I will break into a million little pieces. Not a day goes by that I don't think about leaving my life, funny thing is I am surrounded by people who say they love me and that they would do anything for me, yet they can not  save me from myself.

In May of 2010 I was diagnosed with severe depression.Crazy thing was for two years the doctors were saying to me that I was depressed and I was in denial. Yes I had alot on my plate but I thought that I was handling it well. I was working myself into an early grave by taking on everyone's life and neglecting my own. I  put on my Wonder Woman outfit and I jumped into action trying to save those in my world.

No one seemed to notice that I became lost until I was unreachable. I spent two and a half years sedated. I just went through life not really feeling anything.I would go to my significant other and attempt to tell him how I felt, and he would yell and complain about not having anytime to himself. I would call my mother and she would rant and rave about all the imperfections that were going on in her world.

I felt myself spiral into a place that I knew I didn't need to be, but it welcomed me in.

I was fed up with life. I was sick and I didn't know why. Everyone who ever needed me seemed to just get up and go when I could no longer be of service. I woke up one day alone. Everyone went on with their life and left me behind.

Sylvester came home from work one day and I asked him if I could talk to him, he said  hurry up cause I'm tired and I want to lay down. I started to tell him how I felt the walls closing in on me and how I was afraid I wasn't going to make it and as I started to cry, he got up and said, " you keep letting this stuff bother you, you  can't worry about other people,you see I don't".He then proceeded to tell me how tired he was and how all he wanted to do was come home to a quiet house and be left alone.

I didn't tell him that I felt I was on my way out of here.I kept that to myself like I did everything else.

A few weeks later I was talking on the phone and I felt fine. I got up and went to the bathroom to pee and all hell broke loose.I couldn't function. My cycle was on and I didn't realize I was bleeding so heavy. I messed up my clothes and at that moment,I became a four year old.Something traumatic happened to me at the age of four and seeing the blood did something to me.Here I was a grown woman standing in just a shirt and some panties and I couldn't function! Nothing I said made sense and I kept repeating over and over I'm in trouble.

I didn't know what to do but I remember pressing a button and my mom answered. "mommie I'm in trouble and I'm scared'. My mom called Sylvester and he said "I'll be home in a little bit". Thirty minutes later I was still standing there in the same spot, my aunt held my hand,my mother stayed on the phone,and I went though it. Sylvester came home and the four year old was still there. He said "if you don't snap out of it, I'm going to put your ass in a nursing home and let them deal with it!"

I cried cause I couldn't believe he would be that mean to me. When I first found out I was sick and they said there was nothing they could do for me,I told him to leave,but he wanted to stay. Looking back at it,he was more damage then he was good. My mother was about to shakes from telling him off after what she heard him say,but she said nothing.

The four year old came around several times after that.That's when I was diagnosis with having some type of seizure. To much pressure and fluid was the cause. The medication they used was so heavy that I just sat and stared,or slept.Funny thing was I would still get up and cook and take care of my family,yet no one was taking care of me.

I was afraid to take my medicine,afraid to go to sleep,and afraid to live. That is a miserable feeling. Then one day I did the only thing I knew how to do, I gave it to GOD. In that period of time he sent people into my life that gave me hope that things would be better.

I prayed for a change and it was given to me.A man entered my life and reminded me of who I was,and encourages me to be the best me I can be.

Every now and again I get overwhelmed and I feel undeserving of the happiness he brings to my life, but when you are always giving it's kind of hard to receive.

I still battle depression but it's not as bad as it once was. It's an everyday battle, but I'm not alone. I have someone I can say I need you, and their there.

This morning I got up and I felt that I need to really let go.I'm taking a page from my therapy sessions and I'm writing my story. It may not make sense to anyone else, but I'm doing it for me!

Positive thought...........

step outside your box and expand your mind, you'd be surprised at the journey it can lead too......


we fail because we lack patience,slow down,proceed with caution,wait for the green light then go!

Sometimes darkness will shed light............

Last week we had some bad storms come through here and knock the power out. We were without power for about 27 hours. In that time everyone complained about not being able to use their devices. I even got mad about not being able to blog! Well when the power came back we gave Progress Energy a standing ovation.

Then I got a thought and today after my crazy morning, I want to share.
Sometimes we are placed in darkness in order to see the light. We often take for granted all that we have,not realizing it can be snatched away in an instant. When I used to go places that required a lot of walking I often said," I'm tired of walking". I said it so much that little walks made me tired too. Well one day I couldn't walk, and that day turned into weeks, and months. It was then that I realized how much I missed being mobile. Nothing sucks worse than not being able to go where you want to go when you want to go!

Three years ago I was delivered the news that I had a disorder  called psuedeo-tumor cerebrie. Sad part was they didn't tell me what it was, they just gave it to me. I later found out that if not treated I can loose my sight. Seems like everytime I went to the doctor after that, the found something new. My last visit ended in, "I'm afraid you are going to die if we don't find out what's wrong with you".
Well, I'm not sure how I even got to this point,but at the end of the day, no one is going to tell me when my time is up! I know two things in life are certain, we will live and we will die, but no one is going to tell me how to do either one!

I work up this morning feeling bad, Bubba said " At least you had a break". And he was right. Battling and unknown is hard work,but knowing God can bring you out makes it a lil bit easier. See I can deal with a few power outages in my life because I know my savior is working on the maintenance and he is restoring me as a whole so that I can continue to give him the praise.I look at my situation as a learning element. Not everyone is able to fulfill their purpose in life.
I don't say why me, I say why not me. If I am to be used as a vessel then so be it. I am a miracle in the making, when people see me, they will say I witnessed her restoration.

So being in the darkness for a little while is okay with me cause I know once the light is restored, I will shine brighter than ever!

Life's Lessons Learned

Are we really setting an example for our children when we tell them to get an education
and yet we don't have one?
And how can you raise a man to be a man if you never been taught by a man?
How are we suppose to show our daughters how to be treated with respect,
If we don't first respect ourselves.
We have to learn self love and get rid of self hate.
We must teach our children it's not what you say
It's how you say it.
And sometimes you have to go down the road of have nots,
In order to get to the streets of Amen.
It's not what can be done for you,
It's what you have done that speaks volumes.
Don't let a pass hurt hinder your happiness today.
Don't allow nonsense to get in the way of your victory.
Nothing good comes easy,
And anything worth having you have to fight for.
But through it all it's never a mistake,
These are all life's lesson's learned.

I've Learned

Ive heard with age comes wisdom
But I'm finding that to not exactly be true
It seems the older some of use get
The slower we get.

I've learned that it doesn't matter how old your are,
You can still learn a thing or two from a young person.

I've learned that real friends don't ask questions,
They do what is needed and keep it moving.

I've learned you can tell a person something a million times,
But once they make up their mind,you can't change it.

I've learned when people call to talk about their problems,
Sometimes they just want you to listen they really don't want your input.

I've learned you have all the friends in the world,
Until you get sick,or your car breaks down..

I've learned to accept my have's and have not's
I've learned to respect other people's feeling about me
Good or Bad
I've learned that you either like the person your are
Or focus on liking the person you will become.

I've learned that people are not our pet projects
We either like them they way they are or we don't

I've learned that people don't change
They've been that way all the time
We just didn't want to see it.

I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine.

I have a friend who has become a constant visitor at my house.
He has been here for years and yet I never tire of his company.
When I talk he listens to everything I say.
He never judges ,nor does he criticize.
However I must admit when he talks to me,sometimes I don't really pay attention.
It's not that he bores me or anything,
It's just that sometimes I just don't want to hear what he has to say,
Because it's not in compliance to what I want to hear.
We have a lot in common though,
He has been been hurt by the people who were supposed to love him,
And so have I.
I am amazed at how he is able to offer forgiveness,
When I am not.
And as he tells me his story I begin to realize that his struggle was so much harder than mine.
I couldn't imagine being in some of the situations he was in and then turning around and forgiving the
people who harmed him.
As the pain comes and goes throughout my body,
And I fell like I'm living in despair.
He is right by my side comforting me.
Every visit to the hospital he's right there sitting with me ever so patiently.
He never complains about how long the wait is ,
Nor does he check his watch.
And on the few times that I felt like giving up,
He allowed me to see that someone else had a worse situation than me.

Some of my family and friends have met my friend through me
And I've made a lot of friends through him.
I'm amazed at how many people know my friend,
And even more amazed that there are still a lot of people who don't.
When I ask some of the ones who don't know him to meet him and get to know him
for themselves,
Their kinda iffy because they feel that he would not want to be a part of their lives.
But I let them know he doesn't judge or discriminate.
He accepts you for who you are.
My friend is awesome and I don't mind letting everybody know it.
As matter of fact he is a member of royalty,
He's the son of a King!!
The greatest ruler of this earth!
And every time I say his name I feel power.

Without further ado, I would like to introduce to some and reacquaint to others my friend and confidant...


Jesus