Def Poetry Jam: Gemineye - "Penny for Your Thoughts"

My secret..........

I always used writing as a way to express myself when I had no one to talk to. I did a lot of writing as a teen because those were some very critical times in my life and I'm shocked that I made it.No one truly knows me, they just know bits and pieces that I have shared over the years and I guess they are ok with the results.

I am the person everyone calls when they are in need of something or their going through. I've been called the "Calm in the midst of the storm". It's amazing that I am viewed as such based on the struggles I face day to day.

When you see me I am always laughing and joking,truth is that's all I know to do.I smile so much till it literally hurts because If I don't,I will break into a million little pieces. Not a day goes by that I don't think about leaving my life, funny thing is I am surrounded by people who say they love me and that they would do anything for me, yet they can not  save me from myself.

In May of 2010 I was diagnosed with severe depression.Crazy thing was for two years the doctors were saying to me that I was depressed and I was in denial. Yes I had alot on my plate but I thought that I was handling it well. I was working myself into an early grave by taking on everyone's life and neglecting my own. I  put on my Wonder Woman outfit and I jumped into action trying to save those in my world.

No one seemed to notice that I became lost until I was unreachable. I spent two and a half years sedated. I just went through life not really feeling anything.I would go to my significant other and attempt to tell him how I felt, and he would yell and complain about not having anytime to himself. I would call my mother and she would rant and rave about all the imperfections that were going on in her world.

I felt myself spiral into a place that I knew I didn't need to be, but it welcomed me in.

I was fed up with life. I was sick and I didn't know why. Everyone who ever needed me seemed to just get up and go when I could no longer be of service. I woke up one day alone. Everyone went on with their life and left me behind.

Sylvester came home from work one day and I asked him if I could talk to him, he said  hurry up cause I'm tired and I want to lay down. I started to tell him how I felt the walls closing in on me and how I was afraid I wasn't going to make it and as I started to cry, he got up and said, " you keep letting this stuff bother you, you  can't worry about other people,you see I don't".He then proceeded to tell me how tired he was and how all he wanted to do was come home to a quiet house and be left alone.

I didn't tell him that I felt I was on my way out of here.I kept that to myself like I did everything else.

A few weeks later I was talking on the phone and I felt fine. I got up and went to the bathroom to pee and all hell broke loose.I couldn't function. My cycle was on and I didn't realize I was bleeding so heavy. I messed up my clothes and at that moment,I became a four year old.Something traumatic happened to me at the age of four and seeing the blood did something to me.Here I was a grown woman standing in just a shirt and some panties and I couldn't function! Nothing I said made sense and I kept repeating over and over I'm in trouble.

I didn't know what to do but I remember pressing a button and my mom answered. "mommie I'm in trouble and I'm scared'. My mom called Sylvester and he said "I'll be home in a little bit". Thirty minutes later I was still standing there in the same spot, my aunt held my hand,my mother stayed on the phone,and I went though it. Sylvester came home and the four year old was still there. He said "if you don't snap out of it, I'm going to put your ass in a nursing home and let them deal with it!"

I cried cause I couldn't believe he would be that mean to me. When I first found out I was sick and they said there was nothing they could do for me,I told him to leave,but he wanted to stay. Looking back at it,he was more damage then he was good. My mother was about to shakes from telling him off after what she heard him say,but she said nothing.

The four year old came around several times after that.That's when I was diagnosis with having some type of seizure. To much pressure and fluid was the cause. The medication they used was so heavy that I just sat and stared,or slept.Funny thing was I would still get up and cook and take care of my family,yet no one was taking care of me.

I was afraid to take my medicine,afraid to go to sleep,and afraid to live. That is a miserable feeling. Then one day I did the only thing I knew how to do, I gave it to GOD. In that period of time he sent people into my life that gave me hope that things would be better.

I prayed for a change and it was given to me.A man entered my life and reminded me of who I was,and encourages me to be the best me I can be.

Every now and again I get overwhelmed and I feel undeserving of the happiness he brings to my life, but when you are always giving it's kind of hard to receive.

I still battle depression but it's not as bad as it once was. It's an everyday battle, but I'm not alone. I have someone I can say I need you, and their there.

This morning I got up and I felt that I need to really let go.I'm taking a page from my therapy sessions and I'm writing my story. It may not make sense to anyone else, but I'm doing it for me!

Positive thought...........

step outside your box and expand your mind, you'd be surprised at the journey it can lead too......


we fail because we lack patience,slow down,proceed with caution,wait for the green light then go!

Sometimes darkness will shed light............

Last week we had some bad storms come through here and knock the power out. We were without power for about 27 hours. In that time everyone complained about not being able to use their devices. I even got mad about not being able to blog! Well when the power came back we gave Progress Energy a standing ovation.

Then I got a thought and today after my crazy morning, I want to share.
Sometimes we are placed in darkness in order to see the light. We often take for granted all that we have,not realizing it can be snatched away in an instant. When I used to go places that required a lot of walking I often said," I'm tired of walking". I said it so much that little walks made me tired too. Well one day I couldn't walk, and that day turned into weeks, and months. It was then that I realized how much I missed being mobile. Nothing sucks worse than not being able to go where you want to go when you want to go!

Three years ago I was delivered the news that I had a disorder  called psuedeo-tumor cerebrie. Sad part was they didn't tell me what it was, they just gave it to me. I later found out that if not treated I can loose my sight. Seems like everytime I went to the doctor after that, the found something new. My last visit ended in, "I'm afraid you are going to die if we don't find out what's wrong with you".
Well, I'm not sure how I even got to this point,but at the end of the day, no one is going to tell me when my time is up! I know two things in life are certain, we will live and we will die, but no one is going to tell me how to do either one!

I work up this morning feeling bad, Bubba said " At least you had a break". And he was right. Battling and unknown is hard work,but knowing God can bring you out makes it a lil bit easier. See I can deal with a few power outages in my life because I know my savior is working on the maintenance and he is restoring me as a whole so that I can continue to give him the praise.I look at my situation as a learning element. Not everyone is able to fulfill their purpose in life.
I don't say why me, I say why not me. If I am to be used as a vessel then so be it. I am a miracle in the making, when people see me, they will say I witnessed her restoration.

So being in the darkness for a little while is okay with me cause I know once the light is restored, I will shine brighter than ever!

Life's Lessons Learned

Are we really setting an example for our children when we tell them to get an education
and yet we don't have one?
And how can you raise a man to be a man if you never been taught by a man?
How are we suppose to show our daughters how to be treated with respect,
If we don't first respect ourselves.
We have to learn self love and get rid of self hate.
We must teach our children it's not what you say
It's how you say it.
And sometimes you have to go down the road of have nots,
In order to get to the streets of Amen.
It's not what can be done for you,
It's what you have done that speaks volumes.
Don't let a pass hurt hinder your happiness today.
Don't allow nonsense to get in the way of your victory.
Nothing good comes easy,
And anything worth having you have to fight for.
But through it all it's never a mistake,
These are all life's lesson's learned.

I've Learned

Ive heard with age comes wisdom
But I'm finding that to not exactly be true
It seems the older some of use get
The slower we get.

I've learned that it doesn't matter how old your are,
You can still learn a thing or two from a young person.

I've learned that real friends don't ask questions,
They do what is needed and keep it moving.

I've learned you can tell a person something a million times,
But once they make up their mind,you can't change it.

I've learned when people call to talk about their problems,
Sometimes they just want you to listen they really don't want your input.

I've learned you have all the friends in the world,
Until you get sick,or your car breaks down..

I've learned to accept my have's and have not's
I've learned to respect other people's feeling about me
Good or Bad
I've learned that you either like the person your are
Or focus on liking the person you will become.

I've learned that people are not our pet projects
We either like them they way they are or we don't

I've learned that people don't change
They've been that way all the time
We just didn't want to see it.

I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine.

I have a friend who has become a constant visitor at my house.
He has been here for years and yet I never tire of his company.
When I talk he listens to everything I say.
He never judges ,nor does he criticize.
However I must admit when he talks to me,sometimes I don't really pay attention.
It's not that he bores me or anything,
It's just that sometimes I just don't want to hear what he has to say,
Because it's not in compliance to what I want to hear.
We have a lot in common though,
He has been been hurt by the people who were supposed to love him,
And so have I.
I am amazed at how he is able to offer forgiveness,
When I am not.
And as he tells me his story I begin to realize that his struggle was so much harder than mine.
I couldn't imagine being in some of the situations he was in and then turning around and forgiving the
people who harmed him.
As the pain comes and goes throughout my body,
And I fell like I'm living in despair.
He is right by my side comforting me.
Every visit to the hospital he's right there sitting with me ever so patiently.
He never complains about how long the wait is ,
Nor does he check his watch.
And on the few times that I felt like giving up,
He allowed me to see that someone else had a worse situation than me.

Some of my family and friends have met my friend through me
And I've made a lot of friends through him.
I'm amazed at how many people know my friend,
And even more amazed that there are still a lot of people who don't.
When I ask some of the ones who don't know him to meet him and get to know him
for themselves,
Their kinda iffy because they feel that he would not want to be a part of their lives.
But I let them know he doesn't judge or discriminate.
He accepts you for who you are.
My friend is awesome and I don't mind letting everybody know it.
As matter of fact he is a member of royalty,
He's the son of a King!!
The greatest ruler of this earth!
And every time I say his name I feel power.

Without further ado, I would like to introduce to some and reacquaint to others my friend and confidant...


Jesus

Camizms.........

1.If I love you,do I have to like you?

2.To be a friend you must know when to listen.Not every situation is open for your opinion.

3.When a relationship has ended,toss it in the trash,don't bring that baggage into the next situation.

4.Your child should not suffer because you no longer like the other half of his DNA (Ya'll know what I mean)

5.Before you pass judgment on someone,remember you are not perfect.

6.If your mate has a child with someone else,you can't like that child if you don't like the other parent,find a common ground.

7.I will fight for you when your right,but when you wrong,you stand alone.

8.Seldom visits make lasting friendships.

9.Just because GOD wiped your slate clean does not give you the right to act like you never did anything wrong!

10.You can't believe in some of the bible some of the time,you either believe all of it or none of it!

My thoughts

No one prepares us for the pit falls in life.
No one tells us that the road we chose is not always the easy one.
Our parents give us what they know in hopes that it will be enough
to carry us safely through,
But in reality,we are responsible for our own travel,and getting to
our destination is not always the easiest trip to take.

Once we are alone in the wilderness of life
It is up to us to use the survival skills we were given.
Suddenly all the things that we were being told start to make sense.
We have to be accountable for who we are and what we do.
It's not your parents fault you have not accomplished anything,
You have to have the drive to get it yourself.
You can't blame others for your short comings in life,
Nothing comes easy,
If it does,it does'nt last long!
Everyone comes in your life for a reason,
Welcome them in and when their time with you is over,
Release them just as quickly.

Everyone has a purpose.
We may not understand what that is,
But we should never doubt what we are destined to do.

My How Thing's Have Changed........

When I was growing up children dressed like children
Talked like children,
they even spoke like children,
Now the average 12 year old looks 18

When I was growing up,
Children were seen and not heard,
When grown folks were talking,
They did as they were told or they got knocked out.
You were told to do something once
The next time your momma went upside your head.
Now children tell the parents what to do,
Children tell the parents what they not gonna do
and most of them are under the age of 6.
Some think it's cute
I say it's in need of a good old fashion get me a switch off the tree behind whuppin

When U was growing up,
You worked for what you wanted
Now it is given without the lesson "hard work pays off"

When I was growing up,
We ate what we were given and was glad to get it,
We wore what we had,and was glad we had something,
We were able to be children,run and play,but be inside before
the street lights came on.
We either had a curl or a perm,
We wore braids,a ponytail,finger waves(scrunchies)or a bob
We wore stockings with dresses.

Now they wear wigs that are too grown,weaves that are too long,
Hooker heels to school
And club gear to a job interview and they can't figure out why they dont get the job.

My How Times Have Change!

Life and Death is in the power of the tongue....................

September 14,2010 8:45am

Ms. Humphries, we have done all we can do for you, and while the only thing I can suggest you to do is to go to Shands, I am afraid you will die if we don't find out what is wrong with you.


I thought to myself, it ain 9 am ,I ain had breakfast and she talking bout dying. Bubba you alright? Once again he looked at me and said " I don't want to talk about death".
I on the other hand heard and kept thinking about breakfast. The next day, all I could think about was leaving my babies.Depression is an ugly disease that doesn't need much sunlight to grow. I cried and whined and moaned. Then I got pissed off! My name is Cam and I don't crack under pressure! I am not going to die, I am not going to leave my children for someone else to raise!
I got stuff to do and dying aint one of them.
Telling my children this madness was the hardest thing I ever had to do. My son William cried because he said it wasn't fair. "My dad was killed and know my mommy has to go too?"
Tarance said "Mommy your going to be ok"
And you know what I am. I don't dwell on my illness.I was told that I can go blind and I could be in a wheelchair permanently by the time I am 40.I have that wheelchair sitting in my living room as a reminder.

I was told at the age of 19 that my writing would reach people, and my words would bring them in. Well dead people can't do that. When I close my eyes and take my final breath, my work here on this earth will speak volumes.
I make the most of life as best as I can. I am doing everything I know how to while I can still do it.
In the meantime, I will wear my stiletto's even if I have to use my walker or my cane. My mom will tell you I had a bad pair in bag when I went to the hospital for surgery. Bubba is not a fan,but it's ok, he has his way, but he goes out of his way to make me happy. He always fussing, but he always comes around.
I don't know when my life will end, nor am I seeking to know. I just want to make sure that I lived it to the fullest. I did all I could to help  those in need, and that I showed people that God loves you and so do I.

I have battled with "Why me", had a fight with "what did I do to deserve this", then I got slapped by, "Praise him anyhow".

Not all roads lead to joy............

If you were to ask anyone that truly knows me, they will tell you writing is my first love. Reading comes in a close second, and yeah cooking closes in the gap. I was going through a collection of my thoughts and I wanted to share some of my writings. The purpose of this blog is to share my journey and my testimony. Many people can tell you how they got to where they are, but if they don't tell you the struggle they made to reach that point, then you  only got a piece of the story.


To Whom It May Concern..................

To Whom it May Concern,

I have sat around for years,afraid to say anything in fear that you would do or say something to hurt me. In reality you have hurt me all my life. You act as though I did not matter when I should have.You over looked me when I needed you the most.You knew I was being mistreated,yet you sat and watched silently and never mumbled a word. For years I grew up thinking that I could make you proud of me and that you would grow to love me,but you never came around. Instead of uplifting me,you degraded me and made me feel like nothing.I only matter to you when you want or need something.If I have nothing,you need nothing. It used to bother me when the holidays came and I didn't hear from you,or when you felt the need to brag about what you did for someone else's kids,but omitted your own flesh and blood. I have conquered many ups and downs,been dealt a crummy hand in the process,yet I still rise above it all.People were placed in my life for unknown reasons,yet they have been blessings in disguise.I can really say I know how love feels,I understand what a real family is,and when I have completed this circle of life,please do not attach your name to mine,I was not good enough to be one of you while I am here, so don't ride my coat tales to the next life. That little girl or boy you talk about,may be the same little girl or boy that is the next best thing!!
You never know who your mistreating so make a habit of being fair to everyone.

Sincerely,
The one you turned your back on.

Humble Pie

It's not what you have,it's what you do with it. So many of us have come from humble beginnings only to forget where we come from when we get a lil change in our pocket. We were raised on Collurd Greens, Chitlins, Hocakes, and we ate with our fingers.
Now we got a lil change in our pocket, we don't eat Collard Greens unless they have turkey in them. We turn our nose up at Chitterlings,and I wish I would mess up my fingers trying to eat some cornbread and pot liquor.

Many of us grew up in the hood, the projects,the bottom. We walked every where we had to go,we didn't have much but it was all we needed.
Now we got a lil change in our pockets, we never heard of an "urban community",nor will you drive through on in your "new" 2000 bmw through there.

There was a time when you could go to church and the saying "Come as you are", really meant that.If anyone had a desire to give they did ,If you didn't they blessed you anyway. Anyone who desired Christ was allowed to seek him and if they called on his name he would come.
Now if you not wearing the lasted suit or the flyest hat, you can't sit next to Sister So and So, or Mother Amen, cause you are not dressed to their standards.
Offering time now has a song,"What time is it? Offering time!"gone are the days of blessing those who have the desire to give.Instead we  count the money in front of the congregation and we say aloud "we need five holy ghost filled saints to give 20 more dollars".
And if you looking for Jesus, you can forget it cause he only visit the VIP's.You can try calling him if you like but if he ain here in five minutes, we gotta move on, after all this is a business and we have a tight schedule.

Looking at all that has changed in life, I am so happy that I know how to make a mean humble pie! I keep a slice with me at all times and I offer to share with those I encounter. When we travel through the journey of life, we should never forget where we come from, nor should we think that anything or anyone is beneath us. God gave us all that we have, if he treated us the way some of us treat him,well...............

Toxic People

 Many times we add extra strain and pressure on ourselves by continuing to be involved with toxic people. Ever notice how as long as there is drama and confusion,your audience is spellbound and hanging on your every word. But speak about something positive and up lifting and you can hear the crickets singing in the corner.
If all a person has is negativity,that person is toxic. Put on your hazmat suit, your shoe covers, and gas mask and walk away. Toxic people kill everything striving to grow and live. They never let you water your dreams, nor do the let the sun shine on them to grow. When you say, I want to start a non profit to help battered and abused women, only to here, there is alot of places like that all ready, your just wasting your time. RUN!!!
That person is contaminating your space with negative feedback and killing your dream!
We are responsible for the things that come out of our mouths as well as what we put in there. Life and Death is in the power of the tongue. You are either going to speak life into your dreams, or you are going to allow Toxic people to place the nail in the coffin!

Dead Weight

So many people seek change, yet they can never fully reach their full potential because they refuse to let go. We have backaches, headaches, and full body aches because we are carrying around DEAD WEIGHT! You can't live your life for your parents or your children. You have to live and walk in your on light. You are not responsible for what your mother did,or what your father didn't do.
I see so many people turn down life's happiness because they either feel guilty or not worthy of a blessing. I used to say what I was going to do with my family and others would say "Oh I wanna go" and by the time they showed up it was too late, or they wanted to change the plan while in route. Time after time I see a mother sacrifice her happiness for her child, and then that same child disrespects her like she owes it to them.

I have seen what strain and struggle will do to the body,I have also seen how people have had the life sucked out of them for carrying a person who can walk on their own. When I first became ill,my husband did not carry me (although I'm sure if he needed to he would) but instead he helped me help myself. He allowed me to continue to be my independent self, though alot of times it was more stubborn than independence.
I would tell people I don't like people waiting on me, their response, " Chile I would be enjoying every minute of it." My thought was always at what point do you not want to do for yourself? So many people want to do for themselves and cannot, so why would you want others to cater to you in such a way?

Now back to those body aches, once we have given people the necessary tools needed to complete a task, we have to step aside and let them do. If I have to do my job and your job then I will see to it that I'm the only one getting paid. We have to let some friends go, family, and even the kids. If people are not going in the same direction then move aside and let them go for what they know. You can't help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves, and you can't save those who don't want to be saved. You have to get rid of all the dead weight in order to regain your identity and live out loud.

Journey to Positivity

My motto since I was 16 has always been "Surround yourself with positive people,and positive things will come".
Today I have a true testament to that. You never know who God is going to pair you up with, nor do you know who he will have waiting in the rafters on you when your heart is in dispare. True friends as well as real leaders have your best interest at heart. They encourage you to hang in there when you want to give up, they tell you to pray harder when all else fails, but most of all they pray for you. Ever so often we must be reminded of the things that matter the most. There are still some good ole folks that have your best interest at heart and they want to see you succeed and be a better person.
The journey to a positivity is a long winding road. No matter how hard you manage,there will always be a negative patch that pops up through and through. With perseverance and determination you can travel down that road and never get a ticket. Although I continue to strive to be a better person, it is not easy, but then again, what in life worth having is?  I will not let negative thoughts get the best of me, nor will I allow it to break down my transportation system I am using to reach the Joy Within...........

Acceptance

We are often seeking acceptance from people and end up feeling rejected when they don't reciprocate us the way we want. What we need to understand is that we must first accept ourselves. We are the protocol that sets the standards. Why we are in the privacy of our homes,we have to set the standard of who we are and who we want to be portrayed as. We have to reach into self and learn how to  love ourselves in order to accept it from anyone else. That being said we must accept who we are as person. Learn how to please yourself, then you will be able to accept what is being offered to you. Self acceptance brings out self confidence.
If someone is not into who you are as a person,it won't break you, you can say oh well and move on. We won't push to be a people pleaser, instead we will strive to be a better person to ourselves, and if we treat ourselves good,then we will treat those around us good as well.

Forgivness............

I talk about alot of things and forgiving others is one of them. A few weeks ago my Uncle Al passed away. During that time there was a lot of finger pointing and blame (there is still some ongoing). I was trying to be strong for my Aunt Amie, while trying to fight off all the negativity being throne my way. As I read my tribute to Uncle Al during his service, I noticed the separation of family was more apparent then ever before. We were there to celebrate his life, yet family members wouldn't even look at each other. I spoke from my heart and I asked that the past be left in the past. Well I  believe in leading by example and as luck would have it, I was able to start my journey to peace that day.
I had not seen nor talked to my father in almost eight years, as I walked back into the church, I ran into my dad. I hugged him and the tears began to flow. He thought I was crying because of my Uncle's passing, but I was crying tears of joy because after all those years I have truly forgiven him. I can't teach my children, nor can I speak those words to encourage others if I don't walk or live in that light myself.
I always say we are going to do two things in life and that's live and die. The time in between will either be spent doing something extraordinary, or you will just go through life's highway window shopping thinking of what you would like to do as opposed to what you were born to do. I would love to live in a world of peace and harmony,with a side of excitement, yet we know there is always spoon of drama, and a teaspoon Lord Hav Mercy, and a pinch of whoa is me. But in the end it's these little challenges that get us to our destination and makes the journey a little bit more interesting.

Let the journey begin............

Writing has always been my passion. Give me a subject and I will give you a statement,lol. Well after the passing of my favorite Uncle,I got an epiphany. People always tell you about their walk,but you never see how they get there. Many people tend to forget how they got to where they are in life. Someone gave you a shot and you took that opportunity and made it work for you. This introduction is very brief, I am going to write my vision and make it plan, I will trust in God and know that in the end he will do just what he said!